Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
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DATING TIP: Be a gentleman. Hold her door. Hold her hand. Hold her purse. Hold her for ransom. Demand a chopper. Fly away. Start a new life.
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
10-year-old: Did you learn cursive in school?
Me: I sure did.
10: Did you have electricity?
We learned by candlelight.
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
‘I don’t know, man…that deer could have rabies.’
~nervous tics
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
I read all men’s tweets in the voice of Homer Simpson. Especially the sex tweets.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
– That last book of yours was faaan-tastic. A naked lady with a talking snake. A kid kills a giant and chops his head off. A flood murders the world! What do you have for the sequel?
– It’s about a pleasant fellow who goes around telling people to be nice.
– Hmm. Not liking it.
Overheard a couple arguing at the grocery store. At one point, guy says to his GF “you need to relax!”
And I now know how fast I can get from the frozen food section to the parking lot.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*