“This is NPR.” Yeah, we know. You just spent the past 4 minutes whispering the news over a jazz saxophone solo.
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Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Maybe the raccoons threw away something very important. Did you ever think about that you big jerk.
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
He’s dead, Jim. Bought the farm. Bit the pita. Shanked the llama. He’s a shit piñata. He’s gone elf. Dropped the fudgsicle. No more potatoes
*rushes in*
“Sorry I didn’t see the email”
*slow smile*
*twirls hair*[Teaching office new girl how to be late for meetings]
Scooby and the Gang *continually shocked when a regular dude turns out to be a monster*
Me: same
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Still trying to figure out how to compliment a woman’s skin without sounding like I want to wear it
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious