Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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Nothing.
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
5yo just asked for, and I quote, “two fingers of milk” if you’re wondering how parenting during lockdown is going
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
Secret Panel HERE 🤘
Missiles? Is there a Misteriles?
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Sometimes I like to think that at the end of a long day, the chips and dip in my kitchen see me and think, “We thought you’d never come back for us!”
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
SURE IF YOU LIVE IN THE WOODS THERE IS A NON-ZERO CHANCE YOU WILL BE TORN APART BY SOMETHING BIGGER THAN YOU BUT I CAN GUARANTEE YOU WILL NEVER HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT PODCASTS AGAIN
“You’re a HORRIBLE parent!”
– my daughter because I won’t let her use a chainsaw to make a treehouse.
Twitter: where 20-year standup comedy vets get out-funnyed by accountants, college kids, junkies, & unemployed single moms on a daily basis.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
so yesterday i gave my number to a cute guy in the dining hall… LMFAOOO
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
is this a threat
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.