Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
If it walks like a duck and talks like a duck, you’re drunk.
Ducks don’t talk…
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
excited for my first day at at&t as a network engineer supporting national infrastructure. just unplugged a few things in the server room for my space heater. it’s cold in here. should be fine though
Them: Come out with us tonight. You might meet your future husband.
Me: Why are you threatening me?
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Dear ladies who wear black tights and red shoes:
Please stop.
Minnie Mouse is not a style icon for grown women.
Love,
M
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
This year I’m printing my Christmas cards on trash bags to save everyone the extra step
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
You come home from a long day at work, you want to relax with a movie, you pop in a blu-ray, turn down the lights, press play, and the first thing you see is an angry lion roaring at you. No wonder Hollywood is dying.
“What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?”