Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
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Don’t know what this myth is about cell usage blowing up a gas pump. I’m filling my tank right now. See? It’s no big de
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
“Oh sure, they can eat their own poop, no problem. They just CAN’T eat chocolate. It’ll kill them.” – God inventing dogs.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I’m driving 80, how are you still holding on
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Just dropped a butcher knife in the kitchen and apparently I can fly now. So that’s cool.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Whoa… oh I see lol
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
Sometimes when my cat is sitting on a chair, I sneak up, shake the chair hard, yelling, “EARTHQUAKE!” Sadly, like many, she’s not prepared
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”