Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
You Might Also Like
so you’re saying i have to put these balls in my closet or moths will eat my sweaters? listen to yourself. you sound insane
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
They’re not gym clothes if you don’t go to the gym, they’re pajamas.
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Being brave is overrated.
Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Vin Diesel’s real first name is Vehicle Identification Number.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
My wife wants to be something really scary this Halloween so she’s carrying around a tape measure and asking, “is this a load bearing wall?”
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
You are what you eat.
*eats Ryan Gosling*
*crosses fingers*
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.