Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Men go to bars for 2 reasons:

1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.

2) They have a wife to go home to.

I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.

I think she said something about listening too.

Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.

I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….

Hold on…Imma need a calculator.

*Trying to converse at a party*

Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding

Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals

PROFESSOR: Please don’t speak without raising your h-

ME: [raises hand]

PROFESSOR: [wheeling cadaver table away from me] I meant your own hand

that kind of tired where you wanna tell people who sneeze repeatedly to quit celebrating their allergies so loud

Relationship status: just said goodnight to my living room.

Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.

Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.

*Cleans house*

*looks at family*

“I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL

*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!

– Me pulling up Blinds

Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…

I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there

I like it thick and deep

Pizza

BREAKING: Swiss Police confirm that, when arrested, all seven FIFA officials threw themselves on the ground and pretended to be injured.

ME: (petting a dog) He loves this.
DOG: (being pet) He loves this.

My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420

Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.

Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!

A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…

You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.

All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.

[murder scene]
detective: “she drown?”
cop: “after a blow to the head”
d: “what’s he doing?”
me: [trying to draw chalk outline on river]

Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”

Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”

Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”

[zoom interview]

interviewer: what’s your background?

me: mainly sales and marketing but—

interviewer: no, I’m talking about that framed poster of the lady bunny from space jam

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

[1st date]

Me: “So, what do you do?”

Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”

Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”

$4.99 for a box of saltines? My neighborhood grocery store thinks it’s a Whole Foods now.

I just told my boss that “STFU” stands for “Sincere Thanks For Understanding” and it’s REALLY important that none of you tell him otherwise

AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.

What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?