Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
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Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
nurse: how do you rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
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The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
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*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
Him: Wanna go out with me tonight?
Me: Let me ask my mom
Him: Wtf?! You’re in your 40’s!
Me: She said no
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.