Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
[God, creating pigeons]
Make them pace back and forth like a lawyer.
My 5-year plan is to double the number of things onto which I regularly pour alfredo sauce.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
So in The Matrix they feed you the liquified remains of the dead through a tube but you get to sleep and be online all day? I’m listening.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: WE DEMAND SOUP
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I think we should hear other voices.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I think a funny idea would be if our telescopes become more and more powerful, but human space travel remains unsolvable, & all the other races in the galaxy encounter the same problem. So we just become a bunch of guys looking into each other’s houses. An intergalactic Next Door
me telling my computer i’ll update everything tomorrow
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
Apparently telling the kids that you’re not in the mood for their shit does not improve their behavior, but it does teach your toddler how to say shit.