You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
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ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
It’s the weekend; time to get my nopes up.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
2003: I am going to be the best mom ever.
2017: My kids will probably need therapy because of me.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
I see your IQ test came back negative
My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re okMe when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce