My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
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Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens
Stuffs sugar packets into my handbag as I leave the cafe.
Sachets away.
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
When you kidnap a writer.
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
I have a life threatening EpiPen allergy, so I always carry a peanut butter and bees sandwich with me as a precaution.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
My husband just showed me two pairs of khakis and asked me which one he should wear tonight. This is a trick, right?
*(whispering)they’re both the same
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
If a 4-year-old says, “I’m scared there’s a monster living under my bed” Don’t reply, “Oh, that’s where he’s been hiding.”
I know that now.
Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
me: *nervously* will he feel anything while you’re operating?
car mechanic: no
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
Have to prepare for a work meeting so instead I cleaned my entire kitchen, hung up some paintings, varnished another, and organized my art supplies.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.