[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
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Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
God: Oh heck, I dropped my newest spider in the ocean
Octopus: I’m cool with this, actually
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
dave is coming to play poker
“dave from college or dave who walks like he’s in a video game?”
[dave takes 3 tries to walk through open door]
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Ben-Hur was actually called, Fast & The Furious: Jerusalem Drift, but the name didn’t catch on like they had hoped
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
Yes, Neil, everything sounds better when you have a great voice. That’s how sound works.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
“What’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s in your mouth what’s” – people with babies
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
You want me to make up a word for the period of my life before I became a mailman?
That’s preposterous
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Natty or not?
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
Therapist: What’s the issue?
Me: They kicked me out of Fight Club
Therapist: You want to talk about it?
Me: That’s right
You can pretend you’re a ghost at pottery barn, there’s no laws against that
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It