ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
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the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
*opens present
HER: What is this?
ME: It’s The One Ring. I fought orcs for it.
HER: They didn’t have that Michael Kors bag I showed you?
ME: Man, I really should get glasses. I’m blind as a–
BAT NEXT TO ME: blind as a what
ME: um
BAT: as a what
ME:
BAT: say it
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
ME: you know what they say, curiosity killed the cat
CAT: that’s awful why would they say that?
ME: really?
CAT: *dies*
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?
McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words
Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
That face-melting Nazi guy in ‘Raiders of the Lost Ark’ but it’s just my makeup the second I step outside in the summer.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
My signature move is texting “There in 5” while I’m 80 miles away and embroiled in a Kung Fu Dance battle with an uncouth cattle farmer.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
The safest place to hide junk food from your kids is inside a dirty clothes hamper right in their room.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Sorry not sorry.