friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
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Me: *opens gift wrapped positive pregnancy test*
Wife: So…what do you think?
Me: I asked for an iPhone
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
What’s that, turkey?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
Timmy fell in a well?
GOBBLE GOBBLE
[breaks turkey’s neck]
no time for your riddles, in the oven you go
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
Perhaps the most promising opening in a textbook ever.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
*accidentally pokes finger in my eye* I can’t even trust myself anymore.
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
*Asteroid is hurtling toward Earth*
ESPN Broadcaster: This asteroid could have an enormous impact on the playoffs.
[teaching my boyfriend cards]
ME: the blue ones represent logic, the yellow are morality & order, the green use instinct & interdependence, and the red value chaos & impulse
HIM: *frantically flipping through UNO instruction booklet*
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
MUGGER: Give me your money
ME: Stay back, I have mice
MUGGER: lol I think you mean mace
*I’ve already thrown a mouse at him*
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.