@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

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@Marcmywords2

I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.

@mrjohndarby

[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one

@WhatevaConc

Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.

When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.

@Reverend_Scott

Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:

1. He talks to you.

2. He buys you a drink.

3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.

@LloBrow

surgeon 1: open mike night tonight

surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time

surgeon 1: haha

surgeon 2: haha

Mike: what

@3sunzzz

I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.

@CaptainObtuse

Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.