@Marcmywords2 I thought that was the most idiotic thing I’d ever heard, until you explained it… now it’s the second most idiotic thing.
@samalmightysam Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
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@Marcmywords2 
@steeve_again Me: *taking a pee*
Urologist: put that back
@mrjohndarby [calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
@WhatevaConc Make it awkward today by asking people what they did for Valentine’s Day.
When they answer “dinner”, you should say “no…after that”.
@Reverend_Scott Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
@tallentennant channeling her this year
@LloBrow surgeon 1: open mike night tonight
surgeon 2: hope you don’t bomb like last time
surgeon 1: haha
surgeon 2: haha
Mike: what
@3sunzzz I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
@CaptainObtuse Just printed out 50 copies of today’s weather forecast to carry around with me today because I’m just not in the mood for small talk.
@DesiJed I will never stop laughing at this
