@samalmightysam

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

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@4SLars

I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.

@BalakrishnanR

Made my day..

I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs

@cluedont

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

@KalvinMacleod

[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*

@oldmanweldon

I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.

@VeryLonelyLuke

I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp

Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age

Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.

@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@justabloodygame

[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”

@Cheeseboy22

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.