Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
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Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane
No Brett, I didn’t even read that email. I’m not speaking to you because I overheard your Starbucks order this morning.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Note to self:
Next time your migraine specialist asks “How’s your head?” Don’t reply with “No man has ever complained.”
I have the financial security of a much, much younger man
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Day 8 at home and my dog is looking at me like, “See? This is why I chew the furniture.”
The real you is what happens when you walk into a surprise spider web.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: [through foam mascot head] ya
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm