This headline is a thing of beauty
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Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
I’ll start buying “smart” appliances when they make a microwave that automatically electrocutes people who put fish in it
MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
Her: Sorry I’m late. I just had the most horrific experience.
Me: Oh No! Did Dorothy’s house fall on you again?
I put the mess in domestic.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
me: dogs have 4 legs
her:
me: so do tables
her: ok
me: so dogs are tables
her: no
me: *sets my cup on a dog* let me explain it for u again Jen
Harsh but true birthday card from my parents
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
we all know this pain all too well
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
[seeing a picture of myself]
Revolting. Burn it
[hearing a recording of my voice]
Awful. Grating
[seeing my tweets]
Genius. A blessing to this world
“Here kitty, kitty, kitty”
– me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
[David Attenborough voice]
And here we see JC in her natural habitat. Watch as she circles the donut case, bystanders completely unaware of her imminent attack.
#Caturday
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant