I put the mess in domestic.
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“As a creative person I’m often asked where I get my ideas.” Yeah. As a creative person you often imagine people doing that but they don’t.
Everyone talking about a baby boom in nine months can only be talking about first borns
The last thing anyone quarantined at home with kids right now wants is more kids
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
INSTRUCTIONS:
1) Make love not war.
2) Love is a battlefield.
3) You’re screwed.
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I smile whenever I say “cheese” regardless of whether or not my picture is being taken
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
WAITER: what can I get you?
ME [noticing a man rubbing his stomach heartily]: ooh I’ll have what he’s having
WAITER: right away sir *starts rubbing my belly*
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Not😆🤣
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
You’re either you’re frolicking in this meadow with me, or you’re frolicking in this meadow against me.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people