This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
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The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Why do you even see a psychologist? They they are just people that weren’t smart enough to be psychics.
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I’m feeling very anxious i think this 7th mug of coffee will take the edge off
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
If Jehovah’s witnesses brought red wine and Pringles with them, I’d gladly let them in to spend an afternoon chatting about religion.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
[buried under a pile of geese]
Ah yes, murder most fowl. Excellent.
I hate when my friends stand so close to me when pictures are being taken. It’s like they don’t know I plan on cropping them out later.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-