her: why is there a duck on your shoulder?
me: he’s my life coach
her: you wanna go to olive garden?
*duck whispers in my ear*
me: that’s a yes
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interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
“You promise you didn’t get me bees again”
[me from a distance] just open it
I built an electric fence around my house. My neighbour is dead against it.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Whenever I see a dog in a movie, none of the rest of the movie makes sense.
Why are you dealing with all this conflict and drama?
WHY AREN’T YOU AT HOME WITH YOUR DOG??
The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
has anything been recalled more than romaine? honest question
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Lassie, get help!
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.