I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
You Might Also Like
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Sometimes I like to play the power card and remind my husband that I was once woken up to a phone hitting me in the head. He tied it to the ceiling fan to reach a certain number of steps and it flew off.
[edison inventing lightbulb]
[match appears over his head]
I have an idea
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
imagine a reverse pizza. the missing hole on the table where the pizza is meant to be. everything else is pizza. the solar system. the air.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
*puts my mental health in rice
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Neighbours described the United Kingdom as a “quiet, well-mannered country” that “kept itself to itself”.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
“What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”
*Buys wife plane ticket to Vegas
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.