[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
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Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
My mother-in-law said “just do what you normally do” when she came to stay with us. Not going to lie, naked Saturday was a little awkward.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I have so many questions.
This raises questions
Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.Much healthy.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
Cellphones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
My 13 yro daughter just asked
What if “Let the Bodies Hit the Floor” & “It’s Raining Men” are about the same event, but from different perspectives?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
call me an overworked optometrist the way eye care too much
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
business idea: a dating app that only matches Adams with Steves
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
website: select a security question
me: ok
website: make of first car
me: nah
website: mother’s maiden name
me: nope
website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp
me: bingo