11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
You Might Also Like
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
4-year-old: That chicken is weird
Me: What chicken?
4-year-old: That chicken
Me: That’s a whooping crane
4-year-old: So that’s why it’s weird for a chicken
me: I forgot my line
movie director: I really regret bringing you on this fishing trip
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Me: I can’t wait to say goodbye to 2021!
2022: *Somehow already on fire*
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
To think, just 30 years ago, I would have to yank the phone off the wall, and bring it to the bathroom to drop it in the toilet.
If I were the tooth fairy I wouldn’t leave any cash, just a note that says I’VE TAKEN YOUR TEETH
[god making cheetahs]
Let’s just squish a giraffe and give it whiskers
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice