Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
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when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch
Looks at today’s news…. hears Benny Hill theme.
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
*teaches nephew about the telegraph*
him: people could already text and we still invented the telephone?
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Pat is about to own someone
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Things that don’t kill bees
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
I’m looking for a structural engineer to place my house atop a giant pair of chicken legs so when the weather forecast is bad my house can just run away to somewhere more pleasant
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.