Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
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Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Dating someone that actually likes you is wild. Like, what do you mean this person wants me around? And tries to get to know me? And asks what my blood type is? Or if I have both kidneys? Or if I wanna fly out & meet them alone in an abandoned hospital? It’s nice to feel wanted.
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact
Don’t make eye contact“Would you like to buy some girl scout cookies?”
SURE!
…bringing the total amount of cookies to 348
I may not be able to out run the zombies when they come, but this cheeseburger is going to make me taste great
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
Fluff me with a fork baby
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works