Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
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Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
every single time
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
Bored, go into a fitting room wait a couple minutes then yell, “where’s the toilet paper”
“Do you have at least 15 tattoos?” – final question at interview to work in a kitchen in 2013
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.