Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
Erm I’m gonna say no
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
Barkeep. Send a drink over to little ms. thang over there. Tell her it’s from me
Sir, that’s a Ms. Pac-Man machine
*raises glass, winks*
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
Young MacDonald had a farm,
Heavy GMO.
The corn’s pest-free but side effects,
Are more or less unknown.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
I serve garlic bread at every meal, but these blood-sucking vampires still haven’t moved out.
There is so much misplaced anger in this world. And so much of it is aimed at Brussels sprouts. Sad.
GOOD COP: He won’t talk except in sign language
BAD COP: I just cut off his left hand
BAD PUN COP: He still has the right to remain silent