Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
You Might Also Like
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
If I’m reading their lips correctly, my neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
Terribly Tuesday.
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Rt to bother an English speaker
To air is humane, to forgave, divide.
Typo quota for the day.
The way I see it, marriage is just an evil ploy to turn “my fries” into “our fries.”
While taking a nap with my daughter, my 4 year old son creeps into my bed, fiddles with my bra hooks for 5 minutes, then gives up and passes out snoring next to me. No need for a paternity test, he’s definitely my husband’s son.