Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
You Might Also Like
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
If you need to rush somewhere, carry a fire extinguisher. Nobody will stop a person running with a fire extinguisher.
*A demon tries to posses my soul while I sleep but can’t because he’s choking on all of the axe body spray I’m wearing*
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid*
*picks up acid*
*drops acid**checks for abs, finds a clown
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Proctology is located in A55
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
Being in my mid 30s is just constantly worrying that today is the day I get REALLY into model train sets
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
Wtf, tried giving my political opinions at the checkout line today and nobody clapped.
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
Thanks for yelling at me and calling me names on the internet. I have the same opinion as you do now
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
ME: what time would you like me at the restaurant?
HER: I don’t even like you now
scenes of unspeakable carnage