santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
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JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
Safe sex is stupid. Safes can’t get pregnant.
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
7 years ago I met my husband, the love of my life and my baby daddy…
It was awkward at first, but they all seem to be getting along now.
[after the thousandth time making a mess while cooking eggs]
ME: there’s gotta be a better way!
WIFE: *hands me a pan* stop using the toaster dumbass
The funniest thing about being sober is to realize you were so drunk last night you were tweeting all night with a calculator.
A lion would probably call a Kenyan runner fast food.
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
My husband hates his new job as my IT guy.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge