“If only children came with instructions,” the witch lamented while preheating the oven
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I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
“does this spark joy?” but with phone contacts.
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Confuse people by complimenting them, but with a tone that implies you’re really surprised
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
All of these time capsules I just dug up have bodies in them?
if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
oh shit i shouldn’t have quit my office job, that’s where i printed everything out
Him: So you’re a sandwich artist? You mean you work at Subway?
Me: *painting a landscape with a footlong Italian B.M.T.*
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
This pepper has seen some shit
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
honestly? my therapy dog gives terrible advice
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
[whale watching]
whale: can someone close the drapes please? He’s back again