I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
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Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]
Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
At Walmart with a box of condoms and a Barbie play set, now I need to pick the right cashier to ensure maximum awkwardness for us both.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Wife: is he okay?!
Doctor: he will be fin-
Me: *slips him $20*
Doctor: he’ll never walk again
Me: *acting surprised* oh no, and on the day we were gonna put up the Christmas lights!
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
They also CAN sing✌️
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
me: can i buy animal crossing
mom: you can hang out with the raccoons in our garbage for free
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week