Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
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I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Rap: MONEY GUNS & SEX
Rock: DRUGS & SEX
Country: BEER GOD & SEX
Pop: PARTIES GIRLS & ALCOHOL
Dubstep: BWA BWA BABWAA
Sean Paul: SEAN PAUL!
He says I’m cute when I’m mad. Well he has no idea of how gorgeous I can be.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
My doctor says I shouldn鈥檛 get out of bed at 12:51 AM to make myself a sandwich but he hasn鈥檛 suggested who should do it for me.
In a world full of Christmas fruitcakes, be a cheese ball
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me 馃檨
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
This kid will have a bright future.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He鈥檚 been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 馃槓
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you鈥檝e been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it鈥檚 because I haven鈥檛 been listening
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
What was your favorite part of school today?
1st child: My teacher told me that I was a great helper!
2nd child: Taking toys away from my friends!
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it鈥檚 fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.