My real mom put me up for adoption because the cat was allergic to me ๐Ÿ™

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My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.


If the headline just read “Kanye West Acts Like a Shithead,” news sites could reuse it over and over again.


My biggest weakness has been that I get attached very quickly.

~Superglue, probably..


It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, โ€œHe dude, weโ€™re over here, you donโ€™t know those people.โ€


Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!


Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.


I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes


[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier


In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.


Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday