Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
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Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
I actually think a giant wooden horse filled with soldiers would work BETTER to infiltrate a city now. Like, what’s the chance of someone trying that move twice?
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
it was very chilly during our walk today. when i tried to hop in a puddle. i slid across it instead. i am not a penguin. i would like a refund
I want to open a Vietnamese restaurant called PhoNomNomNomenal ™️
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
The big book of baby names but for safe words
When I said I liked it rough.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
I felt bad for the monster so once a week we switch and I sleep under the bed.
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Liverpool sounds like the most disgusting place in the world to hold a swim meet.
You act like you’ve never seen a grown woman ride a carousel horse without kids.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today