Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.
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A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
My 5 stages of grief:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5. Are you gonna eat that?
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Read that again implies that I read it a first time, which I most certaintly did not.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
My company promotes diversity
We’d never hire twins
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Can’t even watch a YouTube video these days without someone in an ad reminding you you’re poor
*Clicks video* next thing “HI THERE, HAHA, I MADE $200,000 LAST QUARTER, WHAT DID YOU MAKE?”
Bad decisions, now get out my guy, make I watch 10 types of Jollof in peace