Child: What’s the difference between a hurricane and a tropical storm?
Me: A tropical storm has high winds with tiny drink umbrellas flying around in them.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
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HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Me: No, you hang up first
Pizza Hut: *click*
[inventor of teapot]
“I want this water to scream”
I bet dogs have a really hard time playing Twister
Left paw: grey
Other left paw: darker grey, but not the darkest grey. Sort of in between
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
i hate i t when girls think im proposing whenever i take the knee at them in protest
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
Someone just got sent home for having a meltdown. I’ve never been so jealous of a coworker in my life.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
ME: If I go to bed now, I’ll be rested for the big meeting tomorrow.
INSOMNIA: The world is just waiting for you to start a blog.
when i tell guys i want a baby i just assume they kno i don’t mean a human one. i want a baby antelope, a baby hedgehog, a baby lizard
Never in my wildest dreams have I imagined myself entering a bank, wearing a mask, and asking for money.
EMPLOYMENT AGENT: How did you get fired from your last job?
ME: I’m not going to lie, pretty easily.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it