Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
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i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
[reading bedtime stories]
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: spot.
Daughter: what’s her name?
Me: daisy.
Daughter: what’s his name?
Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.
Wife: what are you reading?
Me: 101 Dalmatians.
Wife: lol [closes door].
Daughter: what’s his na-
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
next question.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
I’d pay a premium to stay in a hotel that dispensed knockout gas when it sensed loud hallway talkers.
When I laugh on my period
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
My safe word is Worcestershire
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
In my defense, they never told me I couldn’t tattoo their baby when I got the babysitter job.
Next time a dude says “Pictures or it didn’t happen”, punch them in the throat, take a pic, and tell a story about a guy you throat punched.
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.