WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
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I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
What if Bing is just a guy in his office Googling stuff for you and doing his best
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
The reason your car won’t go over 60 in the city is because you haven’t yelled “HOLD ON!” yet.
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
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5.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.
Sometimes I wonder how air conditioners actually make air colder, bet i could learn online but then i think no mike, best not rock the boat.
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
Please stop making sex robots, if I want to have sex I’ll do it the way God intended: By making a regular robot fall in love with me.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
me: i just don’t know if should i spend $35
him: on what?
me: more books
him: if you’re going to read them
me: …that’s not the point
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.