When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
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while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
Satan: Omg im such a big fan of your work!
My toddler: Thank you! Did you bring me plain milk? I asked for spaghetti milk.
It’s all fun and games until somebody fails a drug test.
If she calls me cheap one more time I’m gonna return her anniversary gift to 7/11.
Ever worry that spiders have 8 slippers to slap you with?
Learning how to square dance in grade school helped prepare me for all the square dance battles you get into as an adult
This doctor doesn’t know what he’s talking about. I’m pretty sure “Esophagus” is that hairy elephant on Sesame Street.
My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
To the girl who said I should get off twitter and pay attention to my children, I want you to know I’m ignoring my husband, too.
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
[reading death threat]
*shrugs* Anyone with spelling this bad would definitely botch a murder.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
what?
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.