My husband is putting the clean dishes away from the dishwasher so I need to leave the house to avoid damage to my eardrums
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I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.
So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
“So, you’re going that way? Cool. Me too.”
– Dogs
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I wrote a screenplay
-No you didn’t
About our Savior
-Just stop
Opening Judea’s best ice cream shop
-Shut up
It’s Jesus Christ, Scooper Star
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Her: are you almost done?
Me: it got a bit tedious in the middle but i’m on the last page
Cheesecake Factory waiter: please sir, my shift ended 4 hours ago
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Don’t make a mountain out of a molehill
Do it with mashed potatoes, then play keyboard for the aliens… I think my cough medicine expired
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
I put the mess in domestic.
Before I die I want to be chased through the back of a Chinese restaurant.
All generalizations are stupid.
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
I just want to be rich enough to say “that won’t be necessary” when the police go to handcuff me