@DarkerWillow

So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma

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@badbanana

“Subpar accommodations. One star.” – Oldest known TripAdvisor rating for Bethlehem.

@whatmaddness

*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later

@XplodingUnicorn

Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.

@protolalia

Looking for a job on Craigslist. A guy wants to pay $150 to borrow a valid driver’s license to rent a car. What could possibly go wrong?

@Girliegurll

My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.

@bobvulfov

[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift

@FlyJ_

*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly

@Vodkantots

It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.