So eBay takes 10% of your profits and Craig’s List is 100% free, but with the chance of being murdered…such a dilemma
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The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
the prophecy has been fulfilled
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
Kids forever killing vibes 💀
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
*slow jams playing in the background
Her: take off my pants
Me: oh my bad, right, ok I totally thought these were mine.
Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
My cat attacked me for trying to help her, and I’ve never understood a creature more
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
How a hammer can generate enough heat to start a fire.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me