Mom: Did you dye your hair?
* twirling my fingers through my freshly coloured brown ear *
How did you know?
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Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
[making a friend at work]
Brain: Make it weird
Me: *thinking* No stop it
Brain: Say something weird
Me: Get out of here, you
Coworker: What?
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
I was pretty sure I spotted Ted Danson last night. Not doing much, just Danson in the streets
japanese corn
Well doctor, my problem is basically this: when it snows, my eyes become large and the light that you shine can be seen.
Best part of being married is blaming your partner for shrinking something in the dryer because you’re getting fat & it doesn’t fit anymore.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
Butterflies have 1,200 eyes. That means they spend 7 months taking out their contacts every night.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
Sue: I’m off to the hairdressers, what sort of cut would make me look beautiful? *giggles*
Stan: A power cut.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.
Nah nah nah nah nah nah nah nah…..