Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Isn’t it amazing how drastically a moment can turn scary because of just one word? For example:
I don’t usually break into song. BUT…
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
i say she should just show up at they olympics and run anyway… who gonna catch her?
canadian assassins are called killergrams
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”
still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
A good thing to say to someone who is overindulging at a Chinese restaurant is “hey buddy, it’s called dim sum, not dim all.”
*aggressively puts Hello Kitty stickers on random Harley Davidsons*