“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
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Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.
Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
STEP 1: Kids decorate gingerbread house.
STEP 2: Kids leave gingerbread house unattended.
STEP 3: Enter dog.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
Someone threw a bottle of Omega 3 pills at me.
Luckily the injuries were only super fish oil.
#HatDadJoke
Evelyn says Betty’s Daughter is a lesbian but I’ve never noticed an accent.
Horse: *tapping the hood* it’s got 400 manpower
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
“the immaturity and the copying are my main issues” I say in a whiny voice as my wife storms out of the counsellors office
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.