[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
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Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
A cool thing about having kids is you get to carry on a conversation with someone who’s doing a headstand in an armchair.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
Every once in a while someone comes along, and if you are really still they’ll eventually go away.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
There’s so many streaming services and shows I just make shit up to recommend to my friends. You gotta watch Red Water on Home Depot Plus. It’s incredible. They just go “yeah I’ll check that out” like we all do when we know we won’t.
Me: I have to go I’m almost at the cry doctor
Wife: you mean the eye doctor right?
Me parking at my therapists office: yeah, of course
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Bring back the McRib
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
COP: Is this man bothering you, Sir?
ME: that’s my wife
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
He’s a 10, but that’s in Fahrenheit so he’s frozen.
This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.
HOW TO JOG:
1. Put on jogging outfit.
2. Go outside.
3. Imagine a cow galloping down the street.
4. Try to milk that cow.
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?