If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
eats a dozen doughnuts…
*checks for flabs*
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
The best way to avoid awkward moments with homeless people is to ask them for money before they ask you.
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Me: “This is not my first rodeo.”
Dude: “Ma’am, this is a petting zoo. Please stop trying to ride the goats.”
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
3yo: dad I’m swimming!
Me: amazing but try not to drink so much of the water!
3yo: I keep drinking the water!
Me: I know don’t drink the water!
3yo: I just drank more of the water!
Me: please stop drinking the water!
3yo: my belly hurts!
Launched an important petition today. This is a cause that’s very dear to my heart
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.