Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
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I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Stephen King: what if there was an *evil* clown
Mary Shelley: what if a corpse came to life
Edgar Allan Poe: oh no a bird!!!
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
*first day as mall Santa
“That’s nice. So, is your mom single?”
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
My doctor says I only have one diabete.
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
i’m gonna start paying to get trapped in an escape room just for an hour of alone time
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Just overheard at the library:
“This is a place of learning. I don’t understand why shoes are required!”
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“Yeah, those black pants are okay. They just need a little something. Hang on..”
[rubs up against your leg] “that’s better”
-cats