Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
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I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
[Creation]
God: *creates the crab
Crab: “wtf?”
God:”You’re a crab”
Crab:”wtf?”
God:”Now go forth”
Crab: *walks sideways “WTAF?!”
sir, my pâté if you please
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
*grandma sobbing at my graduation*
“Your parents would have been so proud seeing you up there.”
*wipes tear*
“But they didn’t want to come.”
Perfect
I’m going to sit here and wink at you. It’s going to be a very long wink. With both eyes. Please, by all means, go on with your story.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
Yes, I’m a slob, but I’m a sanitary slob. Underneath all the clutter it’s actually clean.
Very Cool Person: It’s four-twenty, you know what that means?
Me: Hell yeah [starts shoving blackbirds into a pie]
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
Dr. Dog: Would you be willing to donate your organs?
Patient: Yes.
Dr. Dog: And your bones?
Patient: My bones? Why?
Dr. Dog: (Drools) Just answer the question.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
I thought I was doing a good deed today but long story short I stole my neighbor’s cat
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left