I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
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I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
My favorite type of men is ramen.
[buying condoms] Do you have anything bigger? Like if someone wanted to pretend to be a slippery ghost for a day, or something like that.
PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
OMG 🤣🤣
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
Is it cheating to ask the Ouija board for Worlde answers?
I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
Based on the TV shows I watched as a kid I was expecting a lot more pies to the face by this point in my life.
[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
My husband reprogrammed my radio stations to country so I pulled over and set the car on fire.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.