I told you these spanx were too tight.
-my tombstone
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Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
My wife thought it would be cute to take a shower with our toddler and now there’s poop in the tub and everyone is screaming.
my nickname in college
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
When our friends got married in Thailand, my girlfriend was so sure we were invited she booked flights and hotel. Turned out it was immediate family only, so we spent 4 days hiding from them on the resort until they left, and to my knowledge they still have no idea we were there.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
Overwhelmed. Switching over to TikTok for a while to watch hot people do stupid stuff
scares
I wish I could replace my central nervous system with a central confidence system.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
The actors are getting so old in the Fast and Furious franchise, the next movie will be them stuck in a grocery store parking lot
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Me: Your conspiracy theory is stupid.
Me anytime something weird happens in my house: It was a ghost. It’s the only logical explanation.