Next time you let someone here affect your real life, tell a stranger “I’m mad at some online person I’ve never met” then let them punch you
You Might Also Like
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
can’t see: birdbox
can’t talk: a quiet place
can’t touch: this
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Saw a bunch of people wearing red and I assumed they were Chiefs fans and I started cursing them out and long story short I am now banned from this Target..
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
[First day as a driving instructor]
“Okay kid, reverse. Keep going and stop when you hear a bang.”
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
I have concluded that dryer lint is the cremated remains of all the missing socks.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
If you see a girl crying, a nice thing to do is show your compassionate side and ask if it’s because of her haircut.
I can’t grow flowers for shit but my old neglected potatoes in a grocery bag in the basement just grew legs and marched up here
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN