Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
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I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
Me: I taught the dog to say the 7 deadly sins
Wife: No you didn’t
Dog: Ruff
Me: See, wrath!
Wife: He said ruff! You can’t teach a dog to
Dog: Gluttony
Wife: Holy shit
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
wish me luck lads
INTERVIEWER: strengths?
ME: I’m good at presenting both sides of an argument
INTERVIEWER: great
ME: which could also be a weakness…
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Untied the bun in my hair & tried that sexy hair shake thing that chicks do on tv.
Doc says the neck brace can come off in a week.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Was pretty pleased my 6th grader took a break from hiding in his room gaming w/friends to bike 6 blocks to the library and meet friends.
“So what did you do there?!” I asked eagerly.
“There’s 3 computers in a row so we can all play at once.”
At least he biked 12 blocks?
My local Costco is out of Eggo waffles. A man & woman reached for the last box at the same time. Though he was there first by about 2 secs, the woman insisted they should go to her & her children. I KID YOU NOT, the man, who had his 2 teens w/him, replied, “Ma’am, leggo my Eggo.”
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
I’d like to time travel for the sake of mankind but more importantly to stop Brussels sprouts from happening.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
HOT SINGLE MUMS IN YOUR AREA ARE LOOKING FOR YOU!
Oh god I hope it’s not another bake sale
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
[at ultrasound]
Nurse: there it is. There’s your baby
Me visibly relieved: oh Jesus thank u
Wife whispering to nurse: he thought it was bees
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.