Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
You Might Also Like
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
I won’t be gratified sexually until someone dumps one of those big Gatorade containers on me after.
How often do I think about Keira? Knightley.
One of my biggest talents is taking hundreds of screenshots that I swear I’ll need, but I never look at them again.
60% of parenting is making grand plans to do something special with your kids and then hoping they forget about them so you don’t have to go.
My buddy used to say “why should I wash my towels? After I shower, I’m the cleanest thing in the room.” He’s still single.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Absolutely fucking crushed it on teams today lads
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!
DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.