Minister: Should anyone present know of a reason why this couple should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now, or…
Me: I’m so glad you asked, she still hasn’t returned two of my favorite Tupperware containers.
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Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?
Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.
Husband: So get the blue stuff?
Me: Yes.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
she has a point
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
My new monthly budget
Gas $0
Clothes $0
Entertainment $0
Food $1500
Alcohol $1000
Por…. uhhh entertainment $500
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
[zoo]
cop: what happened here?
boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them
me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
“Please. My wife. She’s very sick.”
Hand embroidery on cotton. Custom order lol.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.